It seems that in every thought, there is the opposite thought -- making it impossible for me to fully decide where I stand.
As long-time readers know, I joined Weight Watchers when my baby girl C was six weeks old and wound up losing 65 lbs. from my delivery day (although, yes, some of that was baby). I was breastfeeding hardcore, so that helped a lot (oh, how I miss it!) with burning calories.
When I finished breastfeeding C (when she was 16 months old), about 10 lbs. immediately reattached itself to me (boo!). And then I got a Mirena (more on that soon) which I feel contributed to gaining another five-ish lbs. (it can do that).
So right now, I'm 15 lbs. heavier than I was at my lightest (the 65-lb. loss), and it's really frustrating. Why can't I just breastfeed FOREVER AND EVER, because it's definitely the most awesome way to burn calories that was ever invented.
Here's my internal whine these days ...
- Exercise: I enjoy my adult gymnastics class because I love chatting with the other girls (Girls? Ladies? Are we ladies? I don't feel old enough to be a lady) and I love bouncing on trampolines. But I also kind of hate it sometimes because I don't like getting sweaty and out of breath, and feeling so sloggy and out of shape. It's like I FEEL those extra 15 lbs. I am just not an exerciser. I am not sporty. I am not someone who likes physical activity, as horrible as that sounds! But yet I know how important it is. I want my kids to love being active. I want my kids -- and me! -- to be healthy. But will I ever actually like it? Will I ever get used to feeling sweaty and sore-throaty from exertion?
- Clothes: I still fit into all of my jeans, but yet I also feel like I'm busting out of them -- isn't that just the grossest, muffin-toppiest feeling? I admit that if it wasn't for wearing nothing but Reitmans Comfort Fit (not paid to say that -- I just love them), I surely wouldn't still fit into them some days. It is depressing. But other days they fit fine -- probably the days they are stretched out, but shhhhh! I put on the right top (i.e. loose-fitting at the waist, tighter-fitting up top) and I think "OK, this is fine. I look all right. I'm tall." I see other people who are much shorter than me, and weight a lot more, and I feel better about myself. Is it normal to be so back-and-forth about how you feel about your (pear) shape? I feel schizophrenic half the time when I'm getting dressed!
- Food: I struggle with food, lately. I feel like a sudden crop of eating-out opportunities popped up all at once, and I'm not the type of person who will order salad
everin a restaurant. No, no, no. I want to order things that I can't make (or can't make well) at home! Chicken fingers and potato skins 4-eva, you know? I go back and forth between feeling like I deserve a treat (DESERVE, I tell you!) and feeling like I'm making horrible choices. I tried (and failed) to give up potato chips for Lent, and I have a lot of FEELINGS over that. More of the back-and-forth "deserving a treat" and "making bad choices" nonsense.
Basically all of my issues lately are stemming from a flip-floppy "Life is too short / Learn to live like an adult" type of confusion. Sometimes I tell myself that I'm doing all right, I'm still fitting into all of my clothes, and I'm enjoying life/treating myself. And other times I feel like I should be forcing myself to exercise more, I really would look better in my clothes if I could lose that 15 lbs., and I need to grow up and eat an effing salad.
Am I the only one who struggles with this back-and-forth? I hope not!