Tuesday, October 11, 2016

The unexpected pregnancy test

While I was cleaning up some folders, I found one loaded with photos. All photos of a pregnancy test and the box, taken from various angles.


I was like ... WTF?! What was this fr-- OHHHH right. That.

They weren't from the time I got a positive test that ended being our son.

They weren't from the time I got a positive test that ended up being our daughter, either.

(The blog archives tell me I also used to take tests for funsies, apparently. These photos weren't from any of those times.)

The pregnancy test photos were from the time, just two years ago, that I had to take a pregnancy test because MY DAMN IUD FELL OUT.


Yes, you read that correctly. The annoying little pinchy whatever that was supposed to be a totally effective birth control? CAME OUT OF MY BODY WHEN IT WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO, meaning I could have gotten pregnant without wanting to.

I realized I never did really blog about my IUD nightmare, so let me sum it up quickly:

Heather vs. The Evil IUD

Act I: 

  • Heather has an awesome OBGYN who loves IUDs and thinks they're freaking incredible.
  • Heather reads lots of positive reviews from people who love their IUDs. They sound pretty great. She's into it. 
  • Heather goes for six-week postpartum appointment after having her second (final) baby and brings along the IUD she picked up from the pharmacy.
  • Young Medical Student or Whatever attempts to stick IUD into Heather and it's awful with many tears and it has to be halted.
Act II: 
  • Heather yet again attempts to get the damn IUD people keep raving about (it rhymes with Yer-aye-na) but goes to a different OBGYN who gives her "cervix-opening" pills to take. (After Heather reminds them tearfully that she was never EXPANDED down there and that was clearly the problem during Act I.)
  • Second OBGYN gets it in just fine! A pinch, as promised. Well, OK, more than a pinch, but at least the drama was over. *Dramatic foreshadowing music*
Act III (a few months later): 
  • Heather has a funny feeling DOWN THERE. 
  • What is it? Why, it's a little pinchy plastic thing! 
  • Heyyyyy, she knows what that is! 
  • It's supposed to be UP THERE, doing its job.
  • Which means if it's just been floating around up there ... 
  • ... then ... 
  • OMGGGGG!
Act IV: 
  • Heather refrains from doing THAT, of course, because she could 100% get pregnant if her husband even looks at her.
  • Heather goes back to the second OBGYN in a fury, waving the little plastic thing around (in a baggie because, ew) and dramatically retelling what happened. 
  • OBGYN shrugs and doesn't seem to care. 
  • OBGYN infuriates Heather by saying "this happens."
  • OBGYN further terrifies Heather by telling her to "go for a blood test" the next day to see if she is PREGNANT.
  • Heather, of course, can't wait until the next day and runs out of his office to buy a home pregnancy test immediately. 
  • It is negative (so is the blood test) but she is still furious with IUDs and anyone who recommends them.
The End

So that happened! I had an IUD for a couple of months, and then I didn't have one anymore. And who knows how long it was floating around in there, NOT DOING ITS JOB?

Now, when you're on the Pill, you can feel pretty safe knowing you're not going to get pregnant as long as you're taking it properly. The Pill has its issues, I've heard, but I was always very happy with it.

With an IUD, however, you are basically rolling the dice and saying "Well, I hope it stays where it's supposed to say!" I learned the hard way that it CAN and DOES come out sometimes, and maybe was never really in properly in the first place. 

It's strange because I know a lot of people who LOVE them and a lot of people who HATE them (and have had similar situations). I guess the Pill is the same, just not quite to this degree. Seriously, it's like mixing your birth control pills up with a bunch of Tic Tacs and blindly taking one every morning!

These days, of course, I'm definitely not going to get pregnant. (If you're new here, I had a surprise hysterectomy at 31. It was quite a ride.) I don't need birth control and that's pretty sweet. 

But I'll also tell anybody who will listen, anytime an IUD or birth control comes up in conversation, because I don't want anyone else to go through the screwy mind-melt that is an IUD. 

What do you think? Do you have/have you had an IUD? Was it the devil? Or am I just a weirdo who expelled that little thing on purpose because I do love to pee on sticks?

xo

No comments: