Friday, November 20, 2015

5 family movies I'd like to edit

  1. Sleeping Beauty.

    The beginning is dreary. The end is one never-ending battle scene that feels like Transformers -- and even the dress-changing dance scene at the very end isn't enough to redeem it.

    In my version, it is nothing but Aurora and the fairies living in the cottage and messing around with those wands. The hilarious attempt at sewing a dress and the unbaked cake with candles = gold.

    LOL Fauna, you crazy chick

    The dancing mop, the eggs that crack themselves, the dress that swirls into a perfect skirt and stitches itself those tight sleeves = perfection.

    Ahhh, that's the stuff.
    We will also keep the scene in the woods where the animals pretend to be the prince. It's darling, especially the owl.

  2. The Lion King.

    We can't even watch this damn movie because I have to spend the whole time hovering in front of the (remote-less) VHS player hitting fast-forward like my life depends on it.

    The opening scene is all very nice, but then it's a bunch of death and dying and dead parents and evil uncles and sadness and OMG SIMBA RUNS AWAY and WHEN CAN I HIT THE PLAY BUTTON?
    *sob*

    In my version, it goes: Circle of Life. I Just Can't Wait to be King, Hakuna Matata. Can You Feel the Love Tonight. And then the ending sequence with Simba and Nala's baby. So basically, five songs. The end. No fast-forwarding and NO HYENAS.

  3. The Sound of Music.

    I love this movie. As a kid, I had no idea what the eff was happening with the running away and the scary soldiers, so I always stopped the tape after the Lonely Goatherd puppet number. It all goes downhill from there. That's where the movie should officially end.



    (I would also add in more scenes involving clothes sewn from drapes. Many, many scenes.)

  4. Peter Pan.

    So much greatness in this movie. Imagination, flying people, pirates, a fairy, the importance of storytelling, a dog as a nanny (with a hat!) and a boy wearing pink. Love it.

    But!

    Let's just say, the first time our son cheerfully sung along to "We're off to catch an 'injun!" I almost had a heart attack. And "What makes the red man red?!"



    Remove the totally offensive representation of Native Americans and this movie would be ... a lot better.

  5. Anastasia.

    This is an underrated and seriously awesome movie. I saw it in theaters with Best Friend when we were teenagers, and I loved the soundtrack so much that she bought it for me for Christmas (I still jam to it on my iPod).



    But! There is a super sketchy villain who is literally A DEAD BODY and PIECES OF HIM FALL OFF because he's ROTTING and his sidekick is a disgusting goober of a bat. In my version, he is removed and I don't care if the plot makes little sense without him.



    Because ew.

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