Friday, May 1, 2015

Those terrible, horrible, no good, very bad (work) days

Normally, I love my career and feel confident about my abilities. I schedule myself prettttttty well (usually taking on slightly more than I can handle comfortably), and feel good about the general direction of my "company."

But these terrible, horrible, no good, very bad workdays happen once in a while, and they bite the big one.

I had one of these days recently (I won't say exactly when, for the same reasons I try not to tweet angry thoughts the second I'm thinking them ... people read that stuff, yo) and now I'm writing about it.


There were moments when I wanted to scream at the person I was emailing.

Moments when I wanted to cry at my desk (and I suppose I could have, since I work from home, but I was still too angry).

Moments when I felt utterly bad at what I do.

Moments when I considered sending a client the big eff-off email that I was writing in my mind.

The worst part was the sinking feeling that I was doing a terrible job of juggling my children, my marriage, and my career. I yelled at Darling Husband because I was so stressed out. I barely saw the kids for an entire day, and then continued to work after they were in bed.

To top it all off, I tripped on a book C had left out, and felt like I broke three of my toes. I collapsed onto the carpet and sobbed. Yeah, my toes hurt, but it just felt good to cry.

I was mad at myself, mad at my work, mad at the world ...

... and I couldn't truly talk about it with anyone.

Most of my friends are employed at "real" jobs (i.e. they wear pants with zippers and actually leave their house). I don't like complaining about my job, because I wear leggings and sweatshirts and don't have to go outside when it's snowing (mostly). I know I'm lucky, and so I keep my mouth shut.

I also know that they won't really understand if I cry about the crippling pressure that comes with owning your own business. Being your own boss. Being solely responsible for your entire income. Never knowing when the next invoice will be paid, and the next assignment will come in.

And so, I wait a few days. I blog about the anger as it's started to melt away. I keep my client emails pleasant even when I'm grinding my teeth (except not, because, ugh #phobia). I resist the urge to angry-tweet even when I really, really want to tell the world how I'm feeling (all of the feelings).

Isn't self-employment fun?

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